Iritis

I currently have iritis, have had it for over a week now. I got it last Tuesday, following a bad review at my new bank job on Friday, July 24. I've been at this job since March and I haven't had much in the way of coaching, so I was lucky they decided to keep me. But it also stressed me out, because I don't deal well with imperfection or failure, or "not being good enough".

Hence the iritis. I went to the eye doctor on July 29, and they put me on prednisolone drops, once an hour (left eye), and a dilating drop to take twice a day (I take it every 12 hours). After a week, I didn't feel any better, the doctor said it didn't look any better, and since this is the FIFTH FUCKING TIME I've had this, and each time the drops do not better my condition. The first 3 times I had a steroid injection under my cornea, and the most recent time (following the death of my grandfather and following into the death of my sister's husband), they put me on oral steroids, and I improved rapidly. Not to mention the rest of my pain- and inflammatory- disease riddled body. My pain decreased to the point where I felt normal, happy, energetic. Not bogged down by pain.

So the doctor asked me what I wanted to do next, whether I wanted to continue one more week on drops alone, or... add oral steroids. Given my history with the disease, I didn't want to spend one more week feeling the way I do when I have iritis: isolated, alone, scared, angry, helpless, in pain. I know the oral steroids work, and they work rapidly. So I'm on day 2 of oral steroids, and I feel wonderful. I'm at 40 mg right now, and they'll taper me off once I improve. I'm still taking the steroid drop once per hour, and once I improve, they'll taper the drops first, and then the pills.

I'm doing well, despite the iritis. I'm managing to be confident and sell products, I'm managing to be friendly and warm with customers despite my highly dilated left eye and the pain I feel while I'm straining to read their deposit slip.

How did a musician of my caliber (double bass player) end up as a bank teller, anyway? It doesn't seem fair. Then again, life rarely is.